It’s hard to estimate how many lawyers an ideal society should have but it’s safe to say that North America lacks the optimal ratio of litigators per genuine worker. One argument in support of the proposition that we have too many lawyers already is the proliferation of nonsensical suits before the courts. Take, for example, the woman who spills her coffee while driving and her successful suit against McDonald’s for making her coffee too hot.

The lure of easy money from frivolous legal action naturally attracts our nation’s leisure class. In Vancouver, a group representing about 1,000 illegal drug users, prostitutes and drifters has demanded compensation from film companies who disrupt their rich street life and interfere with the sex trade, the panhandling industry and the right to urinate in public. A fat kid sues a fast-food vendor for not telling him that daily servings of double cheeseburgers, large fries and Cokes will inflate his girth to planetary proportions.

Companies have been forced to attach a vast number of warning labels to fend off product liability suits, but at times these cautions verge on the ridiculous. Consider the package of peanuts that reads: "Warning. Contains nuts," or the advice on ready-to-bake bread: "Product will be hot after heating."

A tag on an electric hairdryer reads: "Do not use while sleeping." The maker of an electric iron cautioned: "Do not iron clothes on body."

Recent winners of a prize offered for the most bizarre warning labels included an artificial fire log whose manufacturer passed on this tip to buyers: "Firelog may cause fires." A box of birthday candles alerted consumers thusly: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."

The lawyers of a CD-player factory certainly earned their fees when they caused this to be affixed to the box: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

In the same spirit of public service that has made him a legend of good sense, and in order to protect his fellow citizens from other insidious dangers to be found in everyday life, the Culture Potato offers the following warning labels:

On an SUV: "Caution. Buying this vehicle will make you despised by the environmental movement but this may be balanced by the approval of Arab oil sheiks. Using this product off-road will damage the landscape and result in your being mired in remote areas where you will be devoured by wolves and no one will care."

On a toupee: "Warning. This artificial-hair product will instantly alert strangers to the fact that you are bald, vain and credulous."

On a case of beer: "Excessive ingestion of this liquid will cause side-effects. Consumers may throw up, drive dangerously and have unprotected sex with grossly unsuitable partners. It may also provoke confrontations with bikers, loud assertions of political opinions and headaches so severe that self-decapitation with a rusty hacksaw will seem a welcome relief. The claim that use of this beverage will cause you to appear more attractive to supermodels remains unsubstantiated."

On a ballot: "Warning. Participating in this charade will only encourage the delusion that Canada is a functioning democracy."

On a television set: "Attention. Using this device will rob you of significant portions of your life which could have been better spent playing with your children, reading or helping your community. No one at work is really interested in your opinion about last night’s episode of ‘Frasier.’"

On a pew: "Caution. May cause drowsiness."

On a culture critic’s column in a well-known Canadian Christian publication: "Warning. Contains irony. Take only with grains of salt."

Gerry Bowler is a Winnipeg author and historian.