As both my faithful readers will attest, the Culture Potato is not a fan of Christian television. Despite the millions of dollars consumed annually by "broadcast ministries" in Canada, I see absolutely no sign that they have made an impact on the culture or that they have advanced the cause of the Kingdom in any way commensurate with their cost.

They are preaching salvation to the saved and comfort to the comfortable and, as far as I can tell, are doing so by re-transmitting the same episodes over and over.

Didn’t I see jolly David Mainse beaming on this same coterie of assistants, their heads bobbing in solemn agreement to his every word, just yesterday? Doesn’t Willard Thiessen interview the same Christian motivational speaker with the same earnestness every day? Wasn’t that the same miraculously-healed African bounding around the missionary’s stage with joy last week?

No matter. Few Canadians watch this stuff keenly enough to complain.

In the unselfish spirit of civic-mindedness that has made this column compulsory reading in several parsonages across the nation, I offer the following programming suggestions to producers of Canadian religious television.

If adopted, these new shows should increase viewership dramatically and move our message into many more unchurched homes.

Touched by a Pentecostal

Troubled folk from many walks of life encounter the healing touch of beautiful Monica, an Irish charismatic who can transform their dental fillings into pure gold—sometimes in the shape of a cross!

Three’s Fellowship

Viewers will howl at the zany antics of three young Baptist ministers who live in the same manse. In order to satisfy their snoopy senior pastor, Jack, Janet and Chrissy have to pretend to believe in pre-millenialism with predictably hilarious results.

The Sunday Sex Show

Callers from across the country phone in their questions to noted sexologist Sue Johnson. The withered crone will provide answers from the Christian tradition, such as: "Don’t even think about doing that!" "Oooh, that’s disgusting!" "Say, aren’t you married?" and "Numbers 5:12-31."

Lard of the Rings

A fat, lonely Tim Horton’s worker discovers religion when a customer leaves behind a tract containing the Four Spiritual Laws. Every week he dispenses homey wisdom along with delicious crullers, chocolate glazed and apple fritters. Yum. Viewers are invited to write in for recipes.

Canadian Idol

Pagans vie for cash prizes as they risk life and soul worshipping false gods. In the season opener Team Moloch competes against devotees of the Golden Calf. Which group of idolators will perish miserably when the earth opens to swallow them up? Which team will win the cash jackpot and go on to meet last year’s champions, Baal’s Brigade? Events include the "100-metre Child Sacrifice," the "Temple Prostitution" round and "Propitiate the Malevolent Deity," where contestants will race to carry ever-larger heaps of sacrifice over an obstacle course while dodging bolts of fire from the studio idol’s mouth.

Law and Order: SS (Sunday School)

In yet another offshoot of the popular series, we see dedicated Christian education workers nipping crime in the bud. Using construction paper, popsicle sticks and glue, these hard-working servants of the church will attempt to keep their little students from a life of evil. When young miscreants misbehave, they are hauled before the Kidz Kourt where they are given a stern talking-to about how they have made Jesus sad.

Temptation Island

Reality television meets the Hypostatic Union. Pairs of young theologians will be sent to a gorgeous tropical island where they will be tempted by attractive heretics. Who will succumb to the blandishments of Tina, the red-haired Gnostic and lingerie model? Will the beefy charms of Chuck, a handsome construction worker and part-time Arian, be enough to win someone over from belief in the Trinity? Who will fly back to the mainland with his faith strengthened and a scholarship to Dallas Seminary? Who will be shaving his head and chanting "Hare Krishna" on street corners?

Gerry Bowler is a Winnipeg author and historian.