3 lessons I’m learning about God, faith, and doubt
I always thought I had come to know too much about God to ever walk away from the faith, until a trigger event happened and everything changed. My theology of suffering was strong, but that meant little when I came face to face with my greatest fear.
The trigger event
Three years ago we received news that no one ever wants to receive.
After a series of tests, we discovered my wife had developed a large tumour in her abdominal area. We knew from the scope and variety of tests involved that the prognosis was serious and potentially life-threatening.
While news of this magnitude would set anyone back, my response was both unexpected and life changing.
For whatever reason, I became incredibly angry with God.
As I've already alluded to, I believed my theology of suffering was strong and did justice to the depth of sickness and suffering experienced in the world, but that didn't seem to matter.
I had encountered various challenges in my own life before, and in the lives of my family and friends, and responded in ways that enabled me to approach God with confidence and hope.
Yet, this circumstance was different. This time, the person I loved the most in this world, my wife Karen, was the victim.
How could God allow this to happen?
Why would God allow this happen?
The one thing I asked for from God, the one thing that always took precedence, Karen's health and well-being, was now in serious jeopardy. Surely he could have made a difference.
I was angry like I've never been before and it caused me to doubt God's goodness and power. It was a very difficult experience; one that I'm still working through.
Days turned into weeks. Preliminary tests indicated the possibility of cancer, a word we both didn't want to hear. I was angry. Karen was strong.
The procedure was expedited to emergency status. And, within a relatively short period of time, the day arrived. We both experienced gratitude that the day was finally here, yet terrified about the possibilities. Prayers were offered.
Initial post-op reports indicated the growth was benign, which later toxicology tests confirmed. We were relieved and incredibly grateful. Yet, I was still angry.
Lessons learned
The thing that time offers us is the opportunity for reflection. From the beginning, I've spent considerable time thinking about the event and its significance.
Here are three things I've learned so far.
1. It's ok to have doubts and questions
While it's true that doubt has the potential to move us away from God, it can also push us to seek answers, which can strengthen our faith and relationship with God.
A genuine, healthy faith should always seek understanding. Click To TweetWhen it comes to faith, it's very important to create space for doubts and questions. Leaving little room for questions can make our faith very brittle and susceptible to intellectual abandonment.
Children ask questions to learn, and anyone who has ever spent time around them know there are times when all they do is ask questions. Faith, too, requires room for questions, if it is to mature, learn and grow.
2. Give yourself and others the required time and space to grieve and work through the circumstances, whatever they may be. This will vary substantially. Some people may need days and weeks. Others, months and years
Some people, including yourself, will want you to be the person you were before the incident, but that is impossible. You will never be the same person you were before the event took place, and neither should you be.
We can never return. We can only move forward. And, if we constantly strive to return to the person we once were, we are essentially saying the event can never be redeemed.
The event will always remain pointless and without meaning if we never give it over into God's care. God didn't require the event or orchestrate it, but he can redeem even the most catastrophic of circumstances and bring beauty from the ashes.
What was intended to bring harm and push us away from God, God can use to bring us even closer than before. But, we will never be the same person as before. Never place those expectations on God or yourself.
While God can redeem the event and use even it to bring about good, you'll never be quite the same.
3. Never separate yourself from the community of faith. We may require a time of rest and anonymity, a time to sit-in-the-back-pew, but don't allow yourself to remain there because complacency can take hold of you
Even though I had little interest in attending church, my wife insisted. And, over time, without even realizing it, it began to make a positive difference.
In her book, Faith Unraveled: How a Girl Who Knew all the Answers Learned to Ask Questions, Rachel Held Evans wrote these challenging and thoughtful words about the role of the faith community in times of doubt.
“Most of the people I’ve encountered are not looking for a religion to answer all their questions but for a community of faith in which they can feel safe asking them."
I couldn't agree more.
To the Church - create a safe place for questions. People need to feel like the one place they can go to in times of doubt won't push them away because of it.
To the Doubters - stay in community, even if you don't want to, stay in community. And, ask questions, a lot of questions, and be open.
The way forward will be different for everyone, especially in terms of time, but one thing should remain the same - never separate yourself from the community of faith.
Isolation can cause doubts and questions to turn into abandonment when the community is absent from the equation.
A work in progress
I'm still a work in progress. God is still working on me. My anger has almost disappeared. My faith is moving forward.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I get it. I've been there.
However, it won't rain always. There is a light a little further up the road.
God walks inside of your pain and is not afraid of your questions, doubts, and fears. Click To TweetGod has not abandoned you, and never will. He didn't orchestrate this, life simply happens. We are all equally subject to its pain.
The difference is that he promised to walk with us through it; even in the midst of it.
God walks inside of your pain and is not afraid of your questions, doubts, and fears.
So ask away. A father will always listen to his children's questions.
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