A Christian and a porn filmmaker agree
What do a ChristianWeek columnist and a writer for Playgirl Magazine have in common? Here's the surprising answer: a respect for monogamy.
ChristianWeek readers may not be familiar with Jamye Waxman given that her world revolves around sex, not faith. Waxman not only writes about sex, she also directs pornographic—what she calls "adult"—films. Waxman and I might seem to have little in common. But we both think monogamy is swell.
Now, our mutual respect for monogamy only goes so far. Waxman promotes monogamy as way of "sexing up" a relationship, a way of taking a relationship "to a place where you expand and explore." I look at monogamy, not as a means to an end, but as the beginning of a journey of two people committed for life. So, is there room for both of us on the monogamy train?
People like Waxman long for exclusivity in sexual relationships because they've seen what "free sex" inevitably does to people. Canadians, like their Western colleagues in the U.S. and Europe, have moved away from traditional morals so that sexual fidelity is seen as quaint and old fashioned at best, or a form of servitude (especially for women) at worst. Indeed, Waxman claims monogamy came about because men went off to war and wanted to make sure that when they returned, the baby waiting for them was theirs.
So people like her are promoting a "new" or "managed" monogamy, which asks couples to commit to the "hard work" of staying faithful. Indeed, the New York-based author and porn maker was in Toronto recently conducting a workshop for couples wanting to spice up their relationships.
According to Waxman, there's an "energy" that monogamy provides that not only jazzes up your sex life, but makes the rest of your daily grind just a little better.
But in a world were we are obsessed with convenience—from household appliances to automatic bank withdrawals to pre-made dinners—how do you sell monogamy by saying it's going to essentially cost you time and effort?
The "new" monogamy points out some good things for couples. First, forget the "seven year itch." Waxman argues it's more like four years before a couple starts to enter choppy water: meet, fall in love, have a child, rear it and then what? Understand that and be prepared. Fair enough.
Secondly, monogamy requires good communications. Another good point; talk out your issues. But that's pretty well it as far as the new monogamy philosophy goes.
So if you know you'll hit choppy waters in year four, find a way to expand and explore where your next thrill is coming from, but make it within the relationship. Want to communicate with your mate but are a bit embarrassed? Set up "sexy e-mail accounts and send your messages about what you're looking forward to," Waxman advises.
The problem with all this is that it's founded basically on a type of selfishness. It's not about what's best for the other person or even "us" as a couple, but about "me." Moreover, it's based squarely on sexual satisfaction rather than satisfying mind and soul as well as body.
I suppose that for Waxman and her supporters, fixing the world starts with them. Maybe later they will think beyond themselves and their quest for self-satisfaction. And I'm not one to say that the Christian ideal of marriage is perfect. Too many Christians get divorced. Too many abuse their spouses and far too many Christians subscribe to "family values" that are based on the game played by secularists—that is, to simply dismiss people with different lifestyles or points of view as unworthy of respect or consideration.
But I am encouraged that people who don't share my Christian worldview seem to come around to eternal Christian principles like monogamy. Rather than quibble about how they get there, think of this trend as an opportunity to model true Christian principles when it comes to love and commitment.
Christians would do well to rejoice that the divorces, betrayals and broken homes that are the only endings for promiscuity are being seen even by those who wouldn't give our faith a second thought. God works in mysterious ways.
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