Account reveals depression, spiritual angst

By Kurt Armstrong and ChristianWeek | January 8, 2010

Many Christians don't know what to make of mental illness. Neither do many people in society in general. Men and women who are depressed, bipolar or schizophrenic often suffer in silence, their burden compounded by guilt, shame or ostracism.

Matt Rogers's little book, Losing God, is helping change that. Losing God is a heartfelt, revealing account of depression and spiritual angst. The author recounts how he "lost his faith" at a missions conference during Bible college.

Although he didn't recognize it at the time, Rogers was suffering from a painful, complex mix of a medical condition—clinical depression—coupled with a theology that supposedly offered a spiritual antidote. He recounts his agony, isolation and terrifying dread as he continues to wrestle with the different Christian responses people offer to his suffering.

His experience reveals two key ideas. The first is that spiritual issues cannot be isolated from everything else in our lives. Rogers gets hung up on the idea of predestination versus free will. Because he feels he has lost God, he can only conclude that he's damned. He wants God, but God doesn't want him. But his spiritual condition is inextricably linked to the rest of his being.

His problem, as he discovered much later, was a swirl of imbalanced brain chemicals, well-intentioned but misguided childhood religious instruction and a hyper-spiritual atmosphere (Bible college, missions conference.)

We can see how tortured he is by focusing on the spiritual dimension of his struggle. He talks of "incessant introspection," "swimming in guilt" and "wanting to die so I could silence my hellish thoughts."

The second theme Rogers draws from his experience is the healing power of community. He is gradually carried toward wholeness and healing by others—friends, mentors and coworkers. He courageously opens up about his situation, inviting others to bear his burdens. Love helps carry Rogers when he cannot carry himself.

This book made me think of Brad Toews, a Bible college student who took his own life in the fall of 2008. Could a book like this have given him some of the consolation and care he desperately needed? Whether or not a book could save a life, Losing God fills a dark, desperate void that will certainly be a comfort for many young Christians. I certainly wish I'd had this book in my hands during my own heavy Bible school years.