Behind the curtain of pastoral ministry
If you've never had an opportunity to peek behind the curtain of pastoral ministry, you probably don't realize that it can be a bit of a brawl sometimes. It's definitely not for the faint of heart. And pastors who stay in one place long enough inevitably experience seasons of attack.
During these times it is easy to look elsewhere for love and affirmation. Another church calls, for example, and asks you to be a guest speaker in their worship service or at a special event. There's nothing wrong with accepting, of course, and as long as your motives are pure it can be a refreshing adventure.
When you step onto a stage and face a group of people who have invited you, this one time, to tell them what you think about something, you know there's probably a lot of affirmation in store for you during and after the gig. But this can (and often does) quickly turn into a kind of spiritual adultery. Not to stretch the marriage metaphor too far, but you might see an attractiveness in them; they might see the same in you. It's like flirting, and it's just as dangerous: you imagine possibilities you shouldn't; you entertain thoughts better left unexplored.
Those who've invited you to speak don't know much about you. They've probably heard some good things and want to check you out for themselves - possibly without an additional motive, possibly not. They might just be looking for a good guest speaker, but it's also possible that there's a vacant pastoral position at their church.
All you really know is that they thought well enough of you to invite you to speak and now here you are speaking, and there they are in front of you, hanging on your words.
Unlike your own congregation, in this congregation you have no idea who's struggling with bitterness, battling substance abuse, thinking of leaving his or her spouse or addicted to pornography. Maybe none of these people are struggling with those things, but most likely some of them are. If you lack the insight and experience to know that this is true, it can make this new group of people an appealing avenue of potential escape from your current troubles.
At the same time, they look at you and see someone with a clean slate and tremendous potential. They don't know about the things you struggle with as a human being and a pastor. They don't yet see your annoying habits or your character faults.
It seems like a match made in heaven, but as long as it's based only on what we've presented to each other as our best selves, it's probably doomed for failure.
There are other opportunities to escape, too. There's the lure of publishing and subsequent speaking opportunities on the conference circuit. No doubt some are called to this form of itinerant ministry but some pursue it as an escape from the rigors and limits of local church leadership.
The truth is, with all this affirmation from people who don't know you as well as your own congregation does, it's quite easy to be impressed with yourself, too! And when you're a pastor and it's been a rough week (or month…or year!) it's quite easy to start thinking about these other things you do on the side that have a considerable upside and virtually no downside.
Being a best-selling author has an appeal, and I do hope to publish a few books someday, but the truth is I would miss the daily strains and pressures of pastoring. I would miss the discipline that it builds into my life and the time and opportunities it affords me to dig deep into God's word on a regular basis.
I'm too early in my journey to tell you from experience that the long hard years of struggle are worth it. I choose to accept what I've been told by pastors older and wiser than I am. They tell me that it is. I can tell you this, though: the few years' that I've been doing this have been filled with difficulty and exhilaration and stress and fulfillment.
Not everyone is called to this, and not everyone should desire to be called. But to this I am called. And there's nothing I'd rather do.
Michael Krahn is a husband, father, pastor, writer and recording artist who enjoys books, theology, technology and the Ottawa Senators. Read more at www.michaelkrahn.com.
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