Is there hope for marriage?

“A good marriage takes a lot of work, but it is worth pursuing”

By Craig Macartney and ChristianWeek Senior Correspondent | October 29, 2014

OTTAWA, ON—Most marriages are miserable and half of all marriages end in divorce. These aggressive statements have become conventional wisdom, often repeated from pulpits. However, marriage counsellors and researchers tell a much different story.

“Such statements seem provocative, but are likely baseless,” says Jim Drennan, who has been pastoring in Ontario for 24 years. “In my experience it is certainly untrue. Are some marriages miserable occasionally? Yes. Stresses effect marriage faster than any other relationship, but couples enter into marriage because of good old true love.”

Still, Drennan knows passion and romance only go so far, so he does marriage coaching with every couple he marries. He believes this, together with the personal faith of most couples he works with, are the primary reason only four per cent of these couples have divorced.

Studies support the fact that faith builds stronger marriages, says senior researcher Peter Jon Mitchell, of the Institute of Marriage and Family Canada. Mitchell says current divorce rates are hard to determine, since Statistics Canada stopped tracking them in 2011, but he estimates it to be around 40 per cent.

“It’s important to note first marriages are more likely to go the distance than people marrying for the second or more time,” he explains. “About 67 per cent of first time marriages are expected to last, but attending religious services regularly is correlated with a 31 per cent lower probability of divorce.”

Mitchell believes some of this is environmental. While pop-culture and many TV shows portray marriage as a “ball-and-chain,” he says religious communities often place higher value on marriage and provide a supportive community.

“Every marriage faces struggles, but faith provides a place to find help. It’s also helpful when people approach marriage understanding that its foundation is commitment. When people just drift into marriage, living together first, perhaps those conversations don’t happen.”

In fact, believing half of marriages fail could be compounding the problem, according to Family Life Canada national directors Neil and Sharol Josephson. They believe couples who hear these stats are more likely to give up when they hit a rough patch, assuming they are “one of the unlucky 50 per cent.”

With engaged believers often chastised about fairytale expectations, Neil says, “from good intentions, the Church has tried to make people do good things, by scaring them about bad things.”

Sharol adds, “Rather than trying to scare people straight, we need to celebrate what marriage can be and draw them to that. Marriage is a great thing, something to be desired and treasured.”

But the couple, about to celebrate their 36^th anniversary, know first hand the challenge marriage can be.

“We had trouble about 19 years in,” Sharol explains. “We had gotten busy with careers and two kids in elite athletics. We weren’t yelling and screaming, we were just distant. A good marriage takes a lot of work, anything worth pursuing takes work, but it is worth pursuing.”

Faced with this challenge, they turned to prayer and setting aside daily time to talk; not talk business or chores, just talk. They also began setting aside one weekend a year dedicated to their marriage. They call it their “State of The Union Weekend.”

“We intentionally set time aside to be together and talk about our marriage,” says Neil. “We’ve learned the hard way that if you don’t have those honest conversations, you’ll have them sooner or later.

“We also pray together every day. Anyone who doesn’t have that habit, we counsel to start building it. Christians have access to supernatural resources. We are promised the fruit of the Spirit in our lives. Which of those wouldn’t make a better marriage?”